Good day to you my fellow Canationalists.
I hope you're enjoying a reasonable and unexceptional evening in glorious Canadian fashion. Rest assured, things are moving along according to plan. Canada's influence increases daily and you should all pat yourselves on the back for your excellent work. Of course, please ensure the pats are polite and tempered with severe modesty.
Unfortunately, there has also been problematic news. One of our most potent agents, man-singer Michael Buble, has had to return to Canada and left his objectives on hold. His smooth Canadian-style crooning that has been so effective in creating double agents amongst foreign women of a certain age will have to rest while his horrifically non-Canadian wife has her child. Rest assured, the youth shall be raised in a proper Canadian manner and will sign the pledge devoting his life to Canadian World Domination immediately upon birth. His wife will no doubt be properly sedated as to be unable to witness the process. Despite the large tactical advantage gained over Argentina from their union, marrying a non-Canadian has no doubt proven extremely trying for our agent and a rest is certainly deserved. Honestly, how Buble hides his critical participation in the Canationalist movement from her is anyone's guess. Still, he is a crack agent and it is not our place to question his methods.
Onto other business. Saskatchewan Senator Pamela Wallin has proven to be a liability and is doing a great disservice to the cause. Although politicians grifting the taxpayers is a traditional and acceptable Canadian pastime for our elite, she has had the audacity to call the audit “flawed and fundamentally unfair” when ordered to repay. Although a politician stealing money and then agreeing to repay it without fighting is as natural to any Canadian as putting on plaid and a toque and then cutting down a tree, insulting something as beautiful as an orderly and official audit in such profane terms is reprehensible. Rest assured, Wallin will be censored heavily for her disgustingly inappropriate language.
In even more concerning news, four of our agents have been taken into custody. They were captured while raising covert funds needed to expand our Canadian Re-Assimilation Center of Kindness, Excellence, and Ruggedness (CRACKER) that is stationed in the Yukon and used to train babies of Canadians who have lived elsewhere and been unable to teach their children what it is to be Canadian. They have done an excellent job keeping mum so far and are acting as if they were doing this for selfish reasons instead of the good of the nation. Ha, can you even imagine? Canadians acting selfishly instead of for the greater good of a truly polite society? Of course their families will be well taken care of while they are imprisoned. Men of such quality deserve no less.
Now, to the main point of this communication. Please crack a Moosehead or other Canadian-style beer and gently raise it in a toast with those around you, being careful not to cling the bottles too loudly or spill any suds on the carpet. We have had a very real success today! Without anyone being the wiser, Canada has managed to change US drug policy in a major way. Due to the diligent work of our behind-the-scenes operatives, the US has chosen to be rid of harsh minimum sentencing for non-violent drug offenders, all without Canada even being mentioned as the force responsible! Eric Holder has even provided a cover story and said it's because they can't afford the $80 billion dollar a year penal-system price tag instead of explaining that it is because we Canadians prefer everyone have more reasonable drug laws! Of course, the fact that the Conservative's recent crime omnibus bill adds minimum sentences for certain drug offences will give us an additional obfuscating layer of protection against anyone finding out Canada's true influence on our Southern neighbor's decision.
And of course, Opposition Leader Thomas Mulcair continues to be loud and irrelevant even as he makes a couple decent points. Let us all thank Mulcair for his work in making Canada appear divided and making the NDP appear erratic and unelectable. Although the decision is already made that Mulcair will be replaced by Trudeau as either PM or leader of the opposition after the next election, his efforts are appreciated. Lord knows that being that loud and stressed all the time while making no personal gains from it is painfully difficult for one of our kind.
That is all for the time being my fellow Canationalists. We will speak again when the beaver crows.
AS
I hope you're enjoying a reasonable and unexceptional evening in glorious Canadian fashion. Rest assured, things are moving along according to plan. Canada's influence increases daily and you should all pat yourselves on the back for your excellent work. Of course, please ensure the pats are polite and tempered with severe modesty.
Unfortunately, there has also been problematic news. One of our most potent agents, man-singer Michael Buble, has had to return to Canada and left his objectives on hold. His smooth Canadian-style crooning that has been so effective in creating double agents amongst foreign women of a certain age will have to rest while his horrifically non-Canadian wife has her child. Rest assured, the youth shall be raised in a proper Canadian manner and will sign the pledge devoting his life to Canadian World Domination immediately upon birth. His wife will no doubt be properly sedated as to be unable to witness the process. Despite the large tactical advantage gained over Argentina from their union, marrying a non-Canadian has no doubt proven extremely trying for our agent and a rest is certainly deserved. Honestly, how Buble hides his critical participation in the Canationalist movement from her is anyone's guess. Still, he is a crack agent and it is not our place to question his methods.
Onto other business. Saskatchewan Senator Pamela Wallin has proven to be a liability and is doing a great disservice to the cause. Although politicians grifting the taxpayers is a traditional and acceptable Canadian pastime for our elite, she has had the audacity to call the audit “flawed and fundamentally unfair” when ordered to repay. Although a politician stealing money and then agreeing to repay it without fighting is as natural to any Canadian as putting on plaid and a toque and then cutting down a tree, insulting something as beautiful as an orderly and official audit in such profane terms is reprehensible. Rest assured, Wallin will be censored heavily for her disgustingly inappropriate language.
In even more concerning news, four of our agents have been taken into custody. They were captured while raising covert funds needed to expand our Canadian Re-Assimilation Center of Kindness, Excellence, and Ruggedness (CRACKER) that is stationed in the Yukon and used to train babies of Canadians who have lived elsewhere and been unable to teach their children what it is to be Canadian. They have done an excellent job keeping mum so far and are acting as if they were doing this for selfish reasons instead of the good of the nation. Ha, can you even imagine? Canadians acting selfishly instead of for the greater good of a truly polite society? Of course their families will be well taken care of while they are imprisoned. Men of such quality deserve no less.
Now, to the main point of this communication. Please crack a Moosehead or other Canadian-style beer and gently raise it in a toast with those around you, being careful not to cling the bottles too loudly or spill any suds on the carpet. We have had a very real success today! Without anyone being the wiser, Canada has managed to change US drug policy in a major way. Due to the diligent work of our behind-the-scenes operatives, the US has chosen to be rid of harsh minimum sentencing for non-violent drug offenders, all without Canada even being mentioned as the force responsible! Eric Holder has even provided a cover story and said it's because they can't afford the $80 billion dollar a year penal-system price tag instead of explaining that it is because we Canadians prefer everyone have more reasonable drug laws! Of course, the fact that the Conservative's recent crime omnibus bill adds minimum sentences for certain drug offences will give us an additional obfuscating layer of protection against anyone finding out Canada's true influence on our Southern neighbor's decision.
And of course, Opposition Leader Thomas Mulcair continues to be loud and irrelevant even as he makes a couple decent points. Let us all thank Mulcair for his work in making Canada appear divided and making the NDP appear erratic and unelectable. Although the decision is already made that Mulcair will be replaced by Trudeau as either PM or leader of the opposition after the next election, his efforts are appreciated. Lord knows that being that loud and stressed all the time while making no personal gains from it is painfully difficult for one of our kind.
That is all for the time being my fellow Canationalists. We will speak again when the beaver crows.
AS
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