Hello again fellow Canationalists.
Rest assured that the movement is well and that our plans continue unabated. One of our most reliable agents, Toronto Mayor Rob Ford, continues an excellent performance in his covert role. Simply put, the man's plan is genius. To convince the rest of the world that the largest city in mild-mannered Canada would elect such a man as he has pretended to be and all to the extremely vocal (and of course, staged) protests of a large percentage of its people. Sheer genius. Who would believe that every Canadian is aligned in a plot as large and all-encompassing as ours while our most populated city fights a civil war over the publically goofy and sometimes embarrassing antics of Ford?
Who else but this man could create so much drama around whether he was kinda tipsy at a festival? It's not as if Canadian politics and the alcohol doesn't have a long history. Heck, we wouldn't even have a federation if John A. MacDonald hadn't been able to get everybody drunk enough to temporarily get over their prejudices and realize that, "This guy? *burp* I LOVE this guy. Man, I don't care if you speak French or are Catholic or whatever, we should def... definitely... definitely be roomies! Keep der 'mericans out... *pass out unconscious.*" Managing to make a story out of a politician drinking a bit so Canadians can pretend to disagree with each other is not easy.
Also, who else could keep the 'crack smoking story' that had gone cold alive by trying to visit a strange drug dealer in prison in an irregular way and at irregular hours? The behavior is so unpredictable and erratic that no one can understand how he would have been elected in a country like Canada.
By being absolutely antithetical to the traditional image of the polite, diplomatic, and mild-mannered Canadian, Ford has given our movement a protective veil and has confused our enemies into thinking that maybe they don't understand Canadians so well. Although our stereotypical Canadian image is the absolute truth and our greatest strength, it is best if our opponents believe it an exaggeration so as to be less prepared when our moose-riders march politely upon them and conqueror them with our timidness and our flocks of attack geese blot out the sun while we apologize for them doing so.
Not to suggest that none of our other leaders haven't been doing adequately as well. NDP'er Mulcair continues to play the social democratic pitbull, frothing at the mouth and mashing his jaws. He may not have done anything recently that was as successful as his "Do you know who I am" maneuver but anyone following his behavior will certainly be confused by the change in the personality of the parties leadership since the loss of jolly ol' Layton. Remember Canationalists, confusing our enemies is central to our plan.
Trudeau's recent behavior has been less obviously successful but is necessary as well. Promoting marijuana, a relaxed and generally kind drug, in a polite and reasonable fashion seems very Canadian. Which it is considering that Canadians smoke it at roughly four times the rate of the average country. This is important as well though. Since the other parties are engaging in strange behavior to confuse our enemies, it's important that at least one party stay consistent so as to not make our obfuscating plan too obvious. The Liberals will of course simply drop the issue if they come to power since that is a traditional Liberal maneuver as well.
So in conclusion, the order for today is to confuse. Act non-Canadian whenever a non-Canadian is watching. I know it's uncomfortable and goes against our nature in a physically painful way that causes nausea and diarrhea but we must if we are to succeed. Be blunt, be rebellious against the state, worship heroes solely for their charisma, watch UFC, put honey instead of maple syrup on pancakes, don't be embarrassed for putting yourself forward when singing our national anthem. If someone asks your favorite rock band, say the Rolling Stones instead of Rush. If someone asks your favorite sport, anything but hockey. If someone asks if you find it cold today, you say yes instead of "What are you talking about? It's almost two degrees out, I'm putting on shorts."
Being a traditional Canadian caricature is still our strength, our iron fist. But. But we must put a velvet glove of confusion over that fist. A velvet glove crafted from only the finest muskrat pelt.
So fellow Canationalists, as always, we will talk again when the beaver crows.
AS
Rest assured that the movement is well and that our plans continue unabated. One of our most reliable agents, Toronto Mayor Rob Ford, continues an excellent performance in his covert role. Simply put, the man's plan is genius. To convince the rest of the world that the largest city in mild-mannered Canada would elect such a man as he has pretended to be and all to the extremely vocal (and of course, staged) protests of a large percentage of its people. Sheer genius. Who would believe that every Canadian is aligned in a plot as large and all-encompassing as ours while our most populated city fights a civil war over the publically goofy and sometimes embarrassing antics of Ford?
Who else but this man could create so much drama around whether he was kinda tipsy at a festival? It's not as if Canadian politics and the alcohol doesn't have a long history. Heck, we wouldn't even have a federation if John A. MacDonald hadn't been able to get everybody drunk enough to temporarily get over their prejudices and realize that, "This guy? *burp* I LOVE this guy. Man, I don't care if you speak French or are Catholic or whatever, we should def... definitely... definitely be roomies! Keep der 'mericans out... *pass out unconscious.*" Managing to make a story out of a politician drinking a bit so Canadians can pretend to disagree with each other is not easy.
Also, who else could keep the 'crack smoking story' that had gone cold alive by trying to visit a strange drug dealer in prison in an irregular way and at irregular hours? The behavior is so unpredictable and erratic that no one can understand how he would have been elected in a country like Canada.
By being absolutely antithetical to the traditional image of the polite, diplomatic, and mild-mannered Canadian, Ford has given our movement a protective veil and has confused our enemies into thinking that maybe they don't understand Canadians so well. Although our stereotypical Canadian image is the absolute truth and our greatest strength, it is best if our opponents believe it an exaggeration so as to be less prepared when our moose-riders march politely upon them and conqueror them with our timidness and our flocks of attack geese blot out the sun while we apologize for them doing so.
Not to suggest that none of our other leaders haven't been doing adequately as well. NDP'er Mulcair continues to play the social democratic pitbull, frothing at the mouth and mashing his jaws. He may not have done anything recently that was as successful as his "Do you know who I am" maneuver but anyone following his behavior will certainly be confused by the change in the personality of the parties leadership since the loss of jolly ol' Layton. Remember Canationalists, confusing our enemies is central to our plan.
Trudeau's recent behavior has been less obviously successful but is necessary as well. Promoting marijuana, a relaxed and generally kind drug, in a polite and reasonable fashion seems very Canadian. Which it is considering that Canadians smoke it at roughly four times the rate of the average country. This is important as well though. Since the other parties are engaging in strange behavior to confuse our enemies, it's important that at least one party stay consistent so as to not make our obfuscating plan too obvious. The Liberals will of course simply drop the issue if they come to power since that is a traditional Liberal maneuver as well.
So in conclusion, the order for today is to confuse. Act non-Canadian whenever a non-Canadian is watching. I know it's uncomfortable and goes against our nature in a physically painful way that causes nausea and diarrhea but we must if we are to succeed. Be blunt, be rebellious against the state, worship heroes solely for their charisma, watch UFC, put honey instead of maple syrup on pancakes, don't be embarrassed for putting yourself forward when singing our national anthem. If someone asks your favorite rock band, say the Rolling Stones instead of Rush. If someone asks your favorite sport, anything but hockey. If someone asks if you find it cold today, you say yes instead of "What are you talking about? It's almost two degrees out, I'm putting on shorts."
Being a traditional Canadian caricature is still our strength, our iron fist. But. But we must put a velvet glove of confusion over that fist. A velvet glove crafted from only the finest muskrat pelt.
So fellow Canationalists, as always, we will talk again when the beaver crows.
AS
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