An Explanation of Canationalism for Those Currently Failing in their Duties to Canada

Good morning my fellow Canationalists.

The battalion of armored caribou that had invaded Calgary has finally been completely routed. The standing order is for respects to be given to their fallen leader, Commander Flayed Hoof, for his admirable battle tactics but please feel safe in the knowledge that the final outcome was never in question. Rest assured that those Canadians who died valiantly battling the caribou swarm will find their way to Canhalla where the maple syrup flows like wine and the hockey game is always in overtime. Reconstruction of the city has already been commenced. To disguise the nature of the war from the rest of the world, you may have noticed that reports were released explaining the occurrence of a monstrous flood. This shall be our cover story. Video footage of the flood has already been fabricated and the bodies of the caribou shall all be hidden in our freezers in the form of burgers.

In other news, the invasion of the Canadian telecommunicating network by US operative Verizon has seemingly been temporarily put on hold. Their efforts to purchase Mobilicity or Wind Mobile as a foothold into Canada from which to engage in no doubt sinister espionage has been temporarily stalled by our operatives from Bell, Rogers, and Telus. Rest assured that the three major players in Canada's teleco industry are engaging in resistance to the US behemoth out of respect and a sense of duty for Canadians and will in no way personally gain. It has even been suggested that as many as two dozen of their operatives have already been killed in this battle. Next time your cell phone bill suddenly jumps by 8 dollars in the form of a bizarrely-named fee, please remember the lives sacrificed so that your messages could travel over a truly Canadian telecommunications network.

Now, onto the negative news. There are apparently still a few Canadians who have been inattentive and remiss in their duties to the point that they don't actually understand Canadian Nationalism or our essential movement. They have asked exactly what Canadian Nationalism is and whether it includes many of the negative traits that nationalism has tended to possess throughout history such as racism, sexism, militarism, imperialism, etc. The answer is that no, it possesses none of these things.

First, no, the movement is not racist. Canadians refer to themselves as multicultural for a reason! And that's because we're mostly segregated into ethnic enclaves that provide little reason for racist interaction. However, even where we aren't, Canationalists still despise racism due to its meanness and implication that some people are better than others. If the comment sections of our online newspapers make you think that Canadians aren't actually as welcoming to all ethnic groups as we like to say, please be assured that those comments are plants from our Canationalist operatives and are put there to sow confusion amongst our enemies who would otherwise see us as dangerously united and possibly ally against us.

Second, we are not sexist. Although sexism is impolite in any case, because we all wear massive parkas made from animal furs at all times, even discovering somebody's gender is an extraordinary undertaking and would make sexism sort of a strange guessing game that may backfire.

Third, no, we are not militant. As mentioned in a previous communication, attacking someone is the worse form of rudeness. Even when we send our troops off to another country's war like we did in Afghanistan so as to maintain healthy US-Canada relations until we can secretly commandeer their country, we send them so ill-equipped that they can for practical purposes do no harm.

Fourth, no, we are not imperialistic. Imperialism would imply that other countries have things Canada wants. Which is insane. Canada possesses everything it needs to live the life of a proper Canadian within the boarders of Canada. These specifically being snow, beer, some large hairy wildlife, pine trees, and vast amounts of empty space. Besides Russia, who we would not be able to militarily fight even if we wanted to, who is even close to our equal in possessing these Canadian essentials?

Canationalism is simply a movement for the Canadification of humanity. Properly pursued, no one need be hurt in its implementation and all shall be better off after its success. The process is covert and driven by skilled operatives who infiltrate organizations where they quickly move up the ranks via their sheer reasonableness. Once in contact with positions of power, they spread Canadian ideals via osmosis with powerful leaders. If you believe that you may be capable of being one of these operatives due to any unique talents you possess, please report to a local Canationalist chapter. Just kidding, it means you've already failed for thinking you're better than other Canadians which is impossible since all Canadians are identically equal.

And with that, I must take my leave. Halifax is preparing for a large-scale dive-bombing run of savage mallard ducks that could potentially level the city and breadcrumb-based explosives must be deployed if they are to have any chance of survival.

So, as always, we will speak again when the beaver crows.

AS
 

Important Canationalist News

Good day to you my fellow Canationalists.

I hope you're enjoying a reasonable and unexceptional evening in glorious Canadian fashion. Rest assured, things are moving along according to plan. Canada's influence increases daily and you should all pat yourselves on the back for your excellent work. Of course, please ensure the pats are polite and tempered with severe modesty.

Unfortunately, there has also been problematic news. One of our most potent agents, man-singer Michael Buble, has had to return to Canada and left his objectives on hold. His smooth Canadian-style crooning that has been so effective in creating double agents amongst foreign women of a certain age will have to rest while his horrifically non-Canadian wife has her child. Rest assured, the youth shall be raised in a proper Canadian manner and will sign the pledge devoting his life to Canadian World Domination immediately upon birth. His wife will no doubt be properly sedated as to be unable to witness the process. Despite the large tactical advantage gained over Argentina from their union, marrying a non-Canadian has no doubt proven extremely trying for our agent and a rest is certainly deserved. Honestly, how Buble hides his critical participation in the Canationalist movement from her is anyone's guess. Still, he is a crack agent and it is not our place to question his methods.

Onto other business. Saskatchewan Senator Pamela Wallin has proven to be a liability and is doing a great disservice to the cause. Although politicians grifting the taxpayers is a traditional and acceptable Canadian pastime for our elite, she has had the audacity to call the audit “flawed and fundamentally unfair” when ordered to repay. Although a politician stealing money and then agreeing to repay it without fighting is as natural to any Canadian as putting on plaid and a toque and then cutting down a tree, insulting something as beautiful as an orderly and official audit in such profane terms is reprehensible. Rest assured, Wallin will be censored heavily for her disgustingly inappropriate language.

In even more concerning news, four of our agents have been taken into custody. They were captured while raising covert funds needed to expand our Canadian Re-Assimilation Center of Kindness, Excellence, and Ruggedness (CRACKER) that is stationed in the Yukon and used to train babies of Canadians who have lived elsewhere and been unable to teach their children what it is to be Canadian. They have done an excellent job keeping mum so far and are acting as if they were doing this for selfish reasons instead of the good of the nation. Ha, can you even imagine? Canadians acting selfishly instead of for the greater good of a truly polite society? Of course their families will be well taken care of while they are imprisoned. Men of such quality deserve no less.

Now, to the main point of this communication. Please crack a Moosehead or other Canadian-style beer and gently raise it in a toast with those around you, being careful not to cling the bottles too loudly or spill any suds on the carpet. We have had a very real success today! Without anyone being the wiser, Canada has managed to change US drug policy in a major way. Due to the diligent work of our behind-the-scenes operatives, the US has chosen to be rid of harsh minimum sentencing for non-violent drug offenders, all without Canada even being mentioned as the force responsible! Eric Holder has even provided a cover story and said it's because they can't afford the $80 billion dollar a year penal-system price tag instead of explaining that it is because we Canadians prefer everyone have more reasonable drug laws! Of course, the fact that the Conservative's recent crime omnibus bill adds minimum sentences for certain drug offences will give us an additional obfuscating layer of protection against anyone finding out Canada's true influence on our Southern neighbor's decision.

And of course, Opposition Leader Thomas Mulcair continues to be loud and irrelevant even as he makes a couple decent points. Let us all thank Mulcair for his work in making Canada appear divided and making the NDP appear erratic and unelectable. Although the decision is already made that Mulcair will be replaced by Trudeau as either PM or leader of the opposition after the next election, his efforts are appreciated. Lord knows that being that loud and stressed all the time while making no personal gains from it is painfully difficult for one of our kind.

That is all for the time being my fellow Canationalists. We will speak again when the beaver crows.

AS
 

Canationalism and the Strategy of Confusion

Hello again fellow Canationalists.

Rest assured that the movement is well and that our plans continue unabated. One of our most reliable agents, Toronto Mayor Rob Ford, continues an excellent performance in his covert role. Simply put, the man's plan is genius. To convince the rest of the world that the largest city in mild-mannered Canada would elect such a man as he has pretended to be and all to the extremely vocal  (and of course, staged) protests of a large percentage of its people. Sheer genius. Who would believe that every Canadian is aligned in a plot as large and all-encompassing as ours while our most populated city fights a civil war over the publically goofy and sometimes embarrassing antics of Ford?

Who else but this man could create so much drama around whether he was kinda tipsy at a festival? It's not as if Canadian politics and the alcohol doesn't have a long history. Heck, we wouldn't even have a federation if John A. MacDonald hadn't been able to get everybody drunk enough to temporarily get over their prejudices and realize that, "This guy? *burp* I LOVE this guy. Man, I don't care if you speak French or are Catholic or whatever, we should def... definitely... definitely be roomies! Keep der 'mericans out... *pass out unconscious.*" Managing to make a story out of a politician drinking a bit so Canadians can pretend to disagree with each other is not easy.

Also, who else could keep the 'crack smoking story' that had gone cold alive by trying to visit a strange drug dealer in prison in an irregular way and at irregular hours? The behavior is so unpredictable and erratic that no one can understand how he would have been elected in a country like Canada.

By being absolutely antithetical to the traditional image of the polite, diplomatic, and mild-mannered Canadian, Ford has given our movement a protective veil and has confused our enemies into thinking that maybe they don't understand Canadians so well. Although our stereotypical Canadian image is the absolute truth and our greatest strength, it is best if our opponents believe it an exaggeration so as to be less prepared when our moose-riders march politely upon them and conqueror them with our timidness and our flocks of attack geese blot out the sun while we apologize for them doing so.

Not to suggest that none of our other leaders haven't been doing adequately as well. NDP'er Mulcair continues to play the social democratic pitbull, frothing at the mouth and mashing his jaws. He may not have done anything recently that was as successful as his "Do you know who I am" maneuver but anyone following his behavior will certainly be confused by the change in the personality of the parties leadership since the loss of jolly ol' Layton. Remember Canationalists, confusing our enemies is central to our plan.

Trudeau's recent behavior has been less obviously successful but is necessary as well. Promoting marijuana, a relaxed and generally kind drug, in a polite and reasonable fashion seems very Canadian. Which it is considering that Canadians smoke it at roughly four times the rate of the average country. This is important as well though. Since the other parties are engaging in strange behavior to confuse our enemies, it's important that at least one party stay consistent so as to not make our obfuscating plan too obvious. The Liberals will of course simply drop the issue if they come to power since that is a traditional Liberal maneuver as well.

So in conclusion, the order for today is to confuse. Act non-Canadian whenever a non-Canadian is watching. I know it's uncomfortable and goes against our nature in a physically painful way that causes nausea and diarrhea but we must if we are to succeed. Be blunt, be rebellious against the state, worship heroes solely for their charisma, watch UFC, put honey instead of maple syrup on pancakes, don't be embarrassed for putting yourself forward when singing our national anthem. If someone asks your favorite rock band, say the Rolling Stones instead of Rush. If someone asks your favorite sport, anything but hockey. If someone asks if you find it cold today, you say yes instead of "What are you talking about? It's almost two degrees out, I'm putting on shorts."

Being a traditional Canadian caricature is still our strength, our iron fist. But. But we must put a velvet glove of confusion over that fist. A velvet glove crafted from only the finest muskrat pelt.

So fellow Canationalists, as always, we will talk again when the beaver crows.

AS

The Canationalist Movement

Hello my fellow Canadian Nationalists. Or as I intend to call us, Canationalists because it sounds neat.

Our plans are moving smoothly and soon we will have successfully infiltrated all major states and organizations around the globe with our mild and non-threatening influence.

The traits that make us Canadian will soon guide this puny earth and our Northern Power will reign supreme. Politeness will be the language of the world's diplomacy. Sort of like it is now but even more so because everyone will actually mean the polite things they say to their foreign diplomatic counterparts. Once our mentality is fully spread to the world's leaders, the ingrained dislike of strong or hostile sentiments will make declaring war almost impossible. Tell me, how do you declare war without being impolite? It is almost impossible! With Canada's prior reputation for peacekeeping that we love to always bring up while trying not to sound too, we will dominate in the context of world peace. When no-violence reigns, who can thrive more than Canucks?

And for those countries that prefer waging war without first declaring it, well, that is the most impolite tactic of all and the shame that will be heaped upon their heads will make them far too blushed to be able to successfully combat a foe. Which is fortunate because we don't really have that much of an army in Canada since a strong standing army seems kind of threatening and rude to others, like we're assuming that they're bad neighbors. We keep just enough to shoot the sneaky polar bears that Russia sends in to Canada to spy on our igloos. Putin wrestles them first in front of some cameras to gain their loyalty by proving that he is the alpha bear. Harper was talking about practicing to do the same so that we could make some of them double agents but wrestling isn't very Canadian and Harper gets self-conscious with his shirt off.

Also, our moderate belief that government can actually be somewhat useful in managing problematic aspects of society and dampening the excesses of a capitalist economy will soon be the model for all countries including those that already do so in a far more efficient fashion. Most people have heard that Canada's banks survived the financial collapse with minimal losses due to keeping them somewhat regulated. Little do they know that Canada caused the financial collapse in order to prove that government regulations can be useful in curbing greed. Harper's talk of deregulation prior to the collapse was simply to provide political cover for the US to continue deregulating so that the inevitable collapse would prove our model the correct one. Devious does not even begin to describe the Canadian mind. With any luck, other countries will embrace this mentality even in areas where it seems sickeningly nanny-statish and we implement it poorly. Children throwing snowballs at recess? Disgusting in its impoliteness. Some additional laws will fix those natural and childish antics. Kids hate laws.

However, despite our successes, we also must be wary of pitfalls in our plans. Foreign Affairs Minister John Baird's angry remarks to Putin regarding Russian legislation that bans any kind of promotion of homosexual lifestyles is such an example. While the sentiment of accepting people whatever their sexual orientation is certainly a Canadian one and will reign supreme when Canada rules, it is dangerous for our right-wing party to too openly push such an agenda. It makes it seem as if Canadians have too much in common that they are able to stand together behind basics rights. We must seem a divided people if we wish to divert suspicion from our unified goal of dominating mankind and forcing it to think, live and even breath Canadian. No one must know that we sign a secret pledge upon being born, even before we have basic comprehension of pledges or anything at all, that devotes our lives to the cause of Canadian World Domination.

So be careful Baird, we're not powerful enough yet to face an enemy that knows of our unified strength and goals. You must throw a few more zingers at Trudeau and Mulcair to reduce suspicion which I know I can count on you for.

For the moment fellow Canationalists, that is all. Please return to your political parties and recommence squabbling. I've been in contact with Bryan Adams and he will be making his move shortly. You all know your roles.

We will speak again when the beaver crows.

AS